I have a 21 and 17 year old, son and daughter respectively and of course like most parents love them a whole lot. Nevertheless, I did and do have my share of troubles with one or both of them at times. With help from seasoned parents, family who have raised their children and the internet, I am trying to do a decent job…I hope.
What I really wanted to share is how kids today seem to think they are ‘owed’ something not from just their parents, but from society! Sense of entitlement is high. They want what they want and they want it now! We, as parents, of course want to make sure we provide for our kids more than what our parents provided. In my case I basically grew up without parents. My dad died when I was 13 after a long disabling illness. My mom was gone almost all the time. I moved to the United States at 15, without, parents and lived with siblings. I longed to have a mom and a dad when I was in my teen years, but that did not happen. I dealt with it, accepted I could not change it and did my best. I told myself I will ALWAYS be there for my kids. I think that was too much and I gave too much because I can see where my kids do not behave as if they appreciate it.
Recently I have started to stop enabling by saying..’no, sorry honey I can’t right now or no, sorry honey, I don’t have money to do that etc etc.” I see where disappointment comes to them not that we are struggling, but because they did not get what they wanted. I started saying ‘no’ several years ago and now I can see when I stopped enabling, they started taking responsibility. It was hard to say no at first, but with practice it gets easier. I am hoping by stop giving and giving and giving, they will learn how to try and try and try for THEMSELVES!!! Will post more on this as they years go by so we can see if my nomad methods really worked…or not!!!
As a parent we try hard and harder to ensure happiness for our children, but when those very children demand things, we need to stop and say no. It is a learned experience. I use to think if I said no they will have depression issues, commit suicide or do something stupid..they have done some stupid things and they have learned from them..I see now more responsible decisions. For example my son wanted a bike so bad, he went on his own, while not working and going to school, bought a brand new Yamaha motor cycle for $12,500.00 while I was out of town. As a good parent I told him how disappointed I was, but proceed to make the payments back in 2012. Not 6 months later he crashed it! It has been sitting in his garage not fixed. I never even offered. He recently had some left over money from school loans, but not enough to fix it. I never offered…he must have thought and thought about it. He called me the other day and said..’mom what will happen if I give the bike back?’ Remember it is broken! I calmly said..‘.it will ruin your credit, but if you want I can help YOU figure out YOUR options. Sorry to hear, but I will help with YOUR options if you want. Love you..”
I can see now at 21 where him having to take responsibilities are slowing coming around for HIM! I will continue with my parental duties, but not go so far overboard that I drown along with them.
I will be writing more about parenting as the years go by.